This is a story I wrote for L4L:
NSA a Useless Piece of Shit
Get Outta My Phone Calls (and Into My Car)
HERE, NOW - The NSA is a useless piece of shit. I, for one, am sick and tired of hearing about some bullshit they be pullin' on the little guy every two weeks. The latest I've heard is that they are monitoring calling records. What jerks!
I am sitting at a Middle Eastern cafe, using their wireless internet, making calls to my mom to tell her that I will be home late (please!), jacking off to Internet pr0n, and secretly conspiring to go to the Apple Store, tomorrow, to get my PowerBook fixed. Does the NSA really need to know this?
Trouble is, I’ve called this fine dining establishment to order my shistawoq ahead of time. So, it’s a definite that all of my phone calls are monitored, ‘cause I’ll be god damned if not one of the regular patrons, here, has not called somebody who is linked to somebody whose sister is fucking some guy who knows a dude who washes the car of another guy who is fingering the asshole of some lady who gave a blow job to the second cousin of a boyhood classmate of Osama bin Laden.
What has the NSA learned about me? That I call work late fifteen minutes every day; I call my Senior Writing staff in a frenzy every Tuesday; I eat Chinese food on Thursdays; I don’t call my old friend Matthew enough; I ignore all phone calls from family members; I went to Gainesville and ate a pizza last Monday; I prank call 1-800-APE-RAPE at least once a month; I got into an argument with a colleague a couple of months ago, so we did not talk for a couple of weeks; and I don’t go to the doctor as often as I should.
Is any of this important information? Should your life be monitored by this useless company? Could/would they do anything if they knew something was going to happen? (The answer to the last one: No, on account of the layers and layers of bureaucracy they would have to go through in order to get anything done, including getting George “Dubya” Bush to actually read one of those fucking things.)
What can we do about it, oh faithful Americans? Nothing, of course. Unless we rebel against our governmental oppressors with machetes and machine guns, nothing will change. Ever. And if we did rebel, they’d get that good old National Guard right on us, and mow us down with their machine guns and tanks before we took out Congressman One.
Lay down and die, fellow Americans, ‘cause that’s all your good for (and paying death taxes, right, Wal-Mart Employee?).
