I Hate Doctors, er... Nurses

My doctor used to have a beautiful office; a baby blue farm house cum office building. Quaint with a twist of old fashioned sensibility. How times have changed...

His new office is right down the road in a strip mall, with a team of receptionists and a (I shit you not) scheduling department. So, of course, my doctor does not have time for me, anymore, and sends his nurse lackeys to do his dirty work.

Nurse Assface (I think that's his name) is, well, an assface. I went in for a checkup two weeks ago. Here's what happened: my blood pressure reads at what can only be described as "perfect," and, well, that's it. Healthy as a horse. Of course, of course Nurse Assface has to find something anything wrong with me because he is, well, prejudiced against fatties.

He sends me in for blood tests and urine samples and palm readings; whatever he could use to show me there is a problem inherent in the fat under my skin.

So, I go, today, for the results of my tests, ready to hear "cancer" or "diabetes" or "AIDS" or "rabies" or anything. Here's what happened (thanks, Athena):

So, Doc, what's wrong with me? High cholesterol? High blood pressure? High blood sugar?

Well, your blood pressure is perfect, your cholesterol is fine, and your blood sugar is a little on the high side. That means diabetes.

I have diabetes?

No. Your blood sugar is just a little high.

Oh. Okay. Well, good. So, we're done, then?

You need to lose some weight.

Okay. Fine. I'll get right on that.

Have you ever considered surgery?

What?! No! I've never even tried to diet and you think I should put my future at stake on, let's call it what it is, elective surgery?!

Okay. But no human being should weigh more than two-hundred pounds.

Really? What about every athlete ever?

Well, you're not an athlete.

No, I'm not, and I'm also not morbidly obese, as proven by my stunning health test stuff.

But it will get worse.

Okay, fine. I'll try to diet, but I'm not going to stress about it.

Two hundred ninety two pounds is a lot.

Yes. Yes it is, but I should be really insulted that you suggested surgery. Can't I just work out more?

No. No, that won't do it. You need to do something drastic. But don't worry about it. Don't weigh yourself anymore.

I had no idea of my weight before I came in here. I don't own a scale.

Okay. I want you to not weigh yourself anymore.

I just said...

And cut your calorie intake to 1200 to 1400 calories a day.

What?! BUT I'M HEALTHY!!!

You should weight less than two hundred pounds.

Whatever. Can I have my drugs, now?