It is all finally falling apart. There are no extreme or even definite signs, but I see it happening. And a good bit of it is my fault.
At the same time, I think my insanity is becoming evident.
I am growing away from my friends, and they from me. I am stagnant, as are they, but they think that their faux-success is being built upon their pointless school careers. I am an idiot because I can’t follow the rules.
I don’t like any of them, and I mistrust all of them.
Every word out of my mouth is a lie.
I don’t even trust myself with my feelings, anymore.
Last night, a girl hit on me. I ignored her. She wasn’t my type. I have been sans women for five years and I ditched her. So sue me. Be true to yourself, eh? Being true to myself is, on instinct, denying any woman who is blind/stupid/insane/slutty enough to hit on me. I only want what I cannot have.
I cannot have that beautiful Cuban girl over there, or that perfectly exquisite woman who is set to marry that guy over there, and I cannot have that fantastical fantasy on the left coast. So that is what I want.
I think it all comes from a slut wife who cheats on you. I hope she’s fat, now.
1 comment:
I have struggled to tame the beast of fortune. I'm pretty sure it's impossible. If there is anything I have learnt in these mad years of suicide/listlessness/sucess/loss, it's that there is no cruise control to life. things always gets worse. They always get better.
The only thing that get's me through it sometimes is to stop dwelling on the inanity of it all, to pretend I don't see impending doom looming in every corner, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to keep breathing one moment to the next. In short, and in the immortal words of Douglas Adams, the best thing anyone of us can do is DON'T PANIC.
Lots of love
Thena
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